Woman hating of a strange new scale

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Last evening, very stupidly, I clicked on a Yahoo story called "The Best and Worst Summer Barbecue Foods. I'm not sure why I did this, but it's possible that I was lured in by the photo of a hot dog. It's also possible that I was temporarily inhabited by pod people....

It explained that hot dogs are better than burgers because there are fewer calories, and the portion size is predetermined for you. It should have been a warning when I came across the sentence "And if you're among the half of Americans who slather their hamburger buns with mayo..."Because apparently, mayonnaise is an evil super villain food that will kill you in your sleep.

Oh, but it gets worse. They continue to tell you to "eat this, not that." In fact, apparently the writer has a whole book with that title, devoted to telling you that you're a stupid, fat piece of shit, and only his book will save you from eternal damnation. Charming, ne?

The last paragraph starts off offensively enough with "If you absolutely must cave in and eat something sweet, choose an ice-cream sandwich." Ok, fair enough, I like ice-cream sandwiches, cuz, you know, who doesn't? But still, I wasn't aware that that was a personal failing.

The food that you absolutely must avoid, though, is apple pie. At this point I'll just quote, because it's so unbelievable.

Don’t be fooled by the wholesome association with "mom." Think "Eve," instead, and eternal damnation. The crust that holds those innocent apple slices is fashioned from lard and refined flour, and the fruit floats in a thick ooze of sugar sludge. Pie has more calories than an 8 oz sirloin and more sugar than most candy bars — and that’s not even counting that big scoop of vanilla ice cream you’re likely to flop next to the slice.


Eternal damnation from pie. Eating pie is akin to the acts of that terrible whore-ible creature Eve, whose feminine failing made us all fat.

Or something.

Also, what the hell kind of pie is this guy encountering?? Lard in a crust? I'm sure that somewhere that has happened, but who bakes with lard these days? I wouldn't even know where to buy lard if I had to!! Also, "thick ooze of sugary sludge"? I don't think I've ever eaten a pie filled with oozing sludge.

So, um, yeah, I'm wishing death on this "writer." The comment section is gross, with all sorts of people claiming to be enlightened by this shit, but one user gets the Kat stamp of approval. She or He says:

One more stupid article by the fat police. Get lost! I'll eat what I want. I'm 85 and nothing will hurt me much.
Thank you, anonymous Yahoo user. You are actually a reasonable human in a sea of stupidity.

User John, however, needs to be hit over the head with a roll of organic, locally made goat cheese made from the milk of grass fed goats, containing a zillion yummy, delicious calories:

Any article that shows food choices and their respective calories and fat is a good article. Americans need education about the foods they eat. The more they know about what they're eating, the easier it will be to make good food choices. Keep articles like this coming!

Um, education? How is comparing desert to original sin education? Moron.

I haven't found any way to contact the authors of the article, in order to lay on some criticisms.

I have more to say about body issues and such, and will do that shortly...
Happy Sunday! Eat some pie!


shadocat said...

strange...it is a bit unusual to combine woman-hating and cooking in the same article, since most of the food articles I've read just assume we wimmins live to cook.

Clearly the reference to lard tells us that this writer never goes near a kitchen, since you rightly stated nobody uses lard or sugary goo in a piecrust nowadays. That's why the goddess created Crisco, and besides, most apples are sweet enough and don't require a lot of sugar. (Although my late grandma would add a little bacon lard to her piecrust, and lemme tell ya, it was DELICIOUS!)

Pie is my favorite!

And I LOVE the new look!

kat said...

Yeah, the one person I know who's ever had lard/bacon fat in a piecrust also said it was delish...

Apple pie in my family usually has just a hint of brown sugar but then a generous amount of cinnamon....yum!

yeah, pie wins. screw that jerk and his pie-hating ways....

berzerkcarrottop said...

The author has to be crazy, IMO, because I would choose a burger over a hot dog any day. And I'll go ahead and keep putting mayo on my burger, thank you.

I believe the hubby uses butter in his delicious pie crust, not lard/Crisco.

kat said...

yeah, because at least with a burger, you know that it actually contains meat. Whereas hot-dogs are notorious for containing almost everything except meat, unless you buy expensive Niman Ranch ones or something...
And yes, I always use butter in pie crust, but mine isn't as delicious as your Hubby's!

Celeste Winant said...

Lard is fantastic, and I woudl much rather use lard in my food than margarine. I at least know where the lard comes from.

Whadda hilarious article! When are people gonna wake up and learn that the key to eating healthy is in exercising moderation...

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